Goodbye and thanks again…

This afternoon we cremated our grandmother.

She was strong, fiercely independent and as particular as they came.  She brimmed with pride for each of her 5 sons and sat smug at the surveyance of her small litter of grandchildren.

This weekend I learnt that both of her mothers had died, she was consequently taken out of school at age 10, married off at 15, a mother essentially alone at 18 and then a widow by 45 in an alien country (having already migrated from India to East Africa and then the UK) with 5 sons to raise.  I’d no idea how much she’d been through, well not the full extent of it – I don’t think this even touches the surface.  Now it’s pretty clear as to why she was the way she was, stubborn, incredibly direct and a very no shit no nonsense type of lady.  It was funny more than anything, maybe not so much for the daughter in laws!

I’m obviously bias but I’d say one of her greatest achievements was raising my Dad, he’s the most kind hearted, silly man I’ll ever know

So I’d like to say thank you, as is always the case, I’d not thought to while you were still around.  But I’m grateful for having had you as my grandmother, for having brought the best Dad I could ever ask for into the world, and for leaving the legacy of your family behind. I hope I’ll do you proud in turn too.

You’ll be missed terribly, but I’m glad you’ve your independence back to start over as you wish, and maybe this time for you.

xxx

Lost and found

Hey,

Long time!  Yeah so I told a slight fib when I promised to divulge all about my travels, it’s now been just over 6 months and I’ve found the draft with the opening paragraph saved.  The fact is my WordPress kept crashing each time I uploaded a pic and well I gave up, I wasn’t posting it unless it was perfect.  So this is issue no. 1.  Let’s begin

• Perfectionist gone crazy:  I’ve always been quite particular in all that I do, actually all that I care about, but recently I’ve become so frustrated with everything around me all that I can control, will be.  I can genuinely feel myself losing it.
• I’m stuck in another job where I couldn’t feel any more disposable:  ‘Marketing’ is in my title, and it’s in the Affiliate industry, another ‘on the up’ field in the Digi marketing sphere (as was PPC) so I guess hurrah for the CV?  It’s not going to look so good when I make my sharp exit – it’s just re-emphasised how much I hate the Corpies.  I’m not the girl to laugh at jokes that aren’t funny, network with the influentials nor pander to who I swear should be classed as clinically insane (I’m quite aware this is becoming increasingly cynical, I can’t promise there’ll be a happy ending, you should maybe close your browser now.)  The company cares nothing for the little guys, nor many of their clients actually, and I’m sure I’m being naive, and this is how businesses run and survive but the whole things makes me feel ill.  So yes, I must leave, right away.
• This brings me to my next point, I make my return back to the job jungle.  I am good at what I’ve done and I have the potential to do well in my next role (keep your fingers crossed for Communications positions in the Arts )- My boss quite frankly stated that I’m my own worst enemy the other day, which is the absolute truth.  I’m 25, I have got to have faith in myself one day or else no-one will believe it. n.b my boss is an absolute witch in all other respects.  I hate that she made this observation.
• 3 days off to sort my life out.  Day one: CV reshuffle, upload to all recruiter sites.  Day two:  Spent most of the morning on phone to recruiters, actually not all aimless roles either, met recruiter in afternoon who may have proposed close to dream job, well next step to dream job anyhow.  Don’t want to curse it so I won’t say much more
  .  Day two, evening: The onset of serious bout of self doubt and fear hits, cue my WordPress saviour.
• As I’m confessing all in this post I should tell you what has been playing on my mind most of all.  I’ve fallen madly, deeply for a pen pal of mine, which sounds absolutely crazy I’m sure but I thought him perfect when I first met him (on the travels I never got around to telling you about).  Ok so the strand in Practical Magic, where Sandra Bullock creates her perfect man, and he has the different coloured eyes (one blue, one green), it genuinely feels that way.  He literally ticks every single one of the boxes I’ve always said I’d want (believe me there are a tonne).  I feel like a hormonal teen all over again.  He sees right through me and knows me better than I know myself in respects and quite frankly I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid.

Anyway, I’d say that’s quite enough for today, I’m going to go read before Bedfordshire comes a calling.

Thanks for listening

x

Freshly Pressed

The satisfaction of seeing that Freshly Pressed message above my blog posts gives me somewhat of a little glimmer.  Writing however fills me with THE FEAR.  I’m not sure of what exactly as the likes on these posts suggest these posts are hardly going far and wide.

Stop the press!  She’s going to tell all on her fabulous trip to Prague (I kid not, expect a Euro gush on my next post).

It’s down to that moment when you you re-read your prose, and there it is, that cringe-monius line when you’re oh so tempted to click the delete button.  I’ve always been the same, all the poems scrawled when I was younger are scrapped, my beautiful travel book is only a few pages inked and it’s taken me over 2 years post uni to even consider picking up a pen.

So what’s changed?  As you may have noticed I’ve a tendency to post when I’m relatively happy, I’d only come across as tragic when talking of my dreary misgivings through the perspective of a perfectly ordinary product of the cushty material sphere I’ve lodged myself in, so, instead I talk only of my escape through books and getaways.

My point is, I’m adding writing back to this list, starting now, this very post, bland as I’m sure I’ll find it tomorrow is marking the day I started writing again, for me.

xxx

‘And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.’

Thoughts on Pussy Riot

Dwelling on the nastiness of the world makes for incredibly sad people. Now that I’m spending most of my days not quite knowing whether it’ll be another burst of unexplainable hysteria, a weekend on a total high or an hour of being completely and utterly content, I’m trying to reform my sceptic ways to reduce the chances of falling deeper into insanity.

I’ve stopped reading the news on my way into work if only to not start my day in tears. Unfortunately the sadder more disturbing stories of the world will always scream louder and sickly prove a more interesting read than that of a modern day saint. I’m guilty of being a glutton for the less amicable side of human intrigue when it comes to the news.

With stories of genocide, war, and sheer brutality plastering our papers it’s surprisingly the recent imprisonment of Pussy Riot that has affected me most, maybe I’ve become conditioned to hearing about the former on a regular basis. I’m not going to go into the intricacies of the case, all that’s important is that the basic human right of free speech should not be infringed in 2012. Yes the news is bias, often falsified by those Corpies pulling the strings. Most of what we see on the telly is all bull and staged, but we’re all aware of this, accept it, observe it with a critical eye and carry on: my point being that free speech is always subject to question.

Nonetheless I’m so lucky to live in a country where we can protest, kick up a fuss, sing a song about death to the monarchy or kicking swans (I do neither of these but I could if I damn well wished without the fear of being locked up). That may sound a little ridiculous, and Pussy Riot did make a massive statement in hijacking the Moscow cathedral but so fucking what. It shocks and appalls me that there are places where the Church or any religion for that matter still holds such great authority. There’s no place for it in an ever-increasing world of countless religions, Agnostics, Atheists and even Scientologists (<ha I wonder how long it’ll take them to track this post). The Church as a place of worship and an integral aspect of Russian society is supposedly key to the ‘outrage’ caused. This was a protest against dictatorship, the stirring of the relationship between the Church and the state was fantastic, and the punk prayer was hilarious! (God I wish I understood Russian).

I’m not sure where I’m going with this post, but I’ve almost said what I needed.
My verdict: Fucking infuriated at the reasoning behind the sentence, or thereby lack of. I’m hopeful that this brave move will encourage rather than deter. All eyes on you Russia, much of the west is not impressed!

No regrets

Friends since school, memories of belly aching laughs, tears and falling into many a drunken stupor!

Sounds perfect in hindsight, but you go to Uni, meet new people, try new things and I don’t care if it’s clichéd, those who are willing to find themselves bloody do. Anyway so I did, somewhat, and in doing so I learnt more and more of how little I knew those I surrounded myself with.

I’ve graduated, I’m the proud owner of a piece of paper, which in turn counts for little in the world of Marketing. If any one ever tells you English is ‘the ultimate passport’, ignore them, continue doing what makes you happy and for the love of god get some work experience to substantiate it! Degrees are truly unnecessary, for Marketing anyway. Anywho, I digress.

I’m back in my hometown, more alien than ever, away from my beautiful friends that I’d grown to adore (except my dearest Allissha who soon abandons me to pursue China) and the inevitable cutting out of pre-uni friends begins.

Now I’m not one with friends a plenty, I’ve always been awkward, brush away acquaintances, and will only bother with those worth bothering about, as a result I can count all of my friends on one hand.

Sunny* changed too. Either that or her less appealing characteristics just became more apparent and less tolerable. Don’t get me wrong she was fab, a complete spag head, a great listener (for most part) and the perfect boyfriend alternative (no I’m not a lezza, I’ve just a classic air of Bridget Jones about me, we’ll go into that some other time). Always the top of her game, destined to be successful in whatever she does, popular, charismatic…I could go on all day, let’s just say she meant a hell of a lot to me.

But suddenly it clicked, her egocentric side, the constant bragging of charity involvement, of achievements when it was a time to listen and support, the talk of morals were no longer admirable but to me empty and infuriating, all in all I’d reached melting point and I could no longer bear speak to her without wanting to scream!! The time I sobbed on the phone while she carried on talking of potential jobs, her future, amazing family, fabulous boyfriend…ENOUGH.

Reading back it’s all me, me, me and maybe I was jealous? She was a MASSIVE part of my life and I miss her a tonne. Recently moreso than ever, I’ve been questioning whether it was the right thing to do. I know there was no in between, it had to be bessies or nothing at all. We still text every so often to check the other’s ok, the last time we met it was just plain awks.

I’ve decided life’s too short, it may never be the same again, nor does it need to, but I’ve asked her for a catch up (over gin) to check I did make the right choice and that I’ve not chucked something amazing over a rash judgement.

It’s a year and a half on since I saw her last. I’m bricking it.

*Sunny’s real name cannot be divulged in the event of the unlikely case she may become internet savvy and choose to read my inner most thoughts.

Content

Window wide open, reading The Fault in Our Stars, drinking a giant mug of coffee.

Berlin Gems

Gutentaag

So I told barefaced lies in my last post, Club Der Visonaere was regrettably missed, we got to Prater too late in the day and ran out of time for the Stasi Museum, I did however squeeze in another round on the Segways as well as discovered bars and cafes that still left me all the more awe-stricken.

Determined not to make the error in not taking my camera again I’ve a few trigger happy snaps of the gems I came across.

1) East Side Gallery, Mühlenstraße

Beautiful contrast to the remains of the wall in Mitte, I last saw the crumbling tattered side exposing it’s wired supports and covered in tourist information plaques. The East Side is less tarnished by tourism and more revolutionised by Berliners, images of those trapped and killed in their bid to escape among those of freedom and peace resonate and reminded me of how recently the wall came down and explains much about the blazé nature and refreshing raw air about this city.

2) Yaam, Stralauer Platz 35

A family friendly beach bar by the riverside, does a mean jerk chicken and leaves you feeling ridiculously mellow. A fab find a short walk behind the East Side Gallery.

3) Hakescher Markt

Open air market literally right around the corner from Alexanderplatz, a couple of stops on the tram if I remember rightly but if you ask around I can’t imagine it’d be further than 1/2 mile. Full of fresh fruits and various cuisines among lots of other knick knacks. Great if you’re looking for a gift un-Ampelmännchen related!

I’d dodge the the huge shopping complex and head straight to Who Killed Bambi for a dress to die for.

4) Café Cinema, Rosenthaler Straße 39

Hilariously laid back owner, probably not ideal if it’s a swift half you’re looking for but it’s a great place to soak up a bit of atmosphere and hide away from the hustle of the Hackescher Markt shopping district.

The cluttering of dusty filmmakers paraphernalia in the window tempted me in to find one of the most picturesque beer gardens I’ve ever had the pleasure of mooching in.

5) White Trash, Schönhauser Allee

Having stayed in Mitte this time I found I sorely missed Prenzlauer Berg. If..who am I kidding, WHEN I return I’ll definitely be staying here again, reasonably cheap, a short metro ride away from Mitte and right around the corner from Mr Falafal Man and White Trash. It’s another café/bar that serves fantabulous food of ridiculous portions, it’s pretty americanised but this is easily overlooked when considering the great staff, amaze cocktails, lovely atmosphere and the live bands.

6) Fassbender & Rausch Chocolatiers, Charlottenstraße 60

Go here. Buy the lemon posset and white chocolate with scrumptious strawberry flakes. This is all. You won’t regret it.

Parting wisdom: Berlin is indeed poor but very very sexy.

Next stop…

Prague, Budapest and Croatia

Berlin BOOKED

Sorry it’s been a while, seems I’m a little rubbish at this blogging malark. Update since my last post (title’s a bit of a giveaway) eek I’ve booked a weekend away in Berlin!!

I’ve not done half as much travelling as I intend yet but my favourite place marked off so far has got to be Berlin. I visited back in July 2010 and I still beam at the mention of the place.

This time I’ve gone for Mitte over Prenzlauer Berg purely because I got a fab deal.

I don’t want to bore you with the details but the map marking has begun

The Segway tour and Club de Visionaere will be revisited

And this time around the Stasi Museum, Winterfeldt Markt and Prater bar. Eee excited!

What a difference it makes when you’ve something to look forward to..!

Over and out.

Hello..I’d suppose it’s me you’re looking for???

University’s over.
I’ve gained 12 pounds.
Most of my bessies are now scattered over the UK or majorly depressed
EVERYBODY’S engaged and Miss Bridget Jones over here is realising she isn’t quite the independent lady she’s claimed all these years!

On the plus side, I’ve landed myself a contract working in Marketing at a local Theatre. In fact I met Caroline O’ Connor just this week (self-confessed Moulin Rouge obsessive). The downside, this theatre is ‘local’ to my hometown, aka the hole I call home.

I’d do good in remembering the chances are, never again will I work in a role where I can sneak into a show whenever I’ve a free second to myself, and those minutes in the day where I’m able to let go and become completely immersed in a beautiful piece of dance or a jazz handed musical make the sometimes incredibly errm let’s say challenging side of the role completely and utterly worth it.

^^ On repeat on the pod this week