The trials of those uncertain twenties

More a mindless babble than a well thought out post but stick with me here…

  • Falling as close as I have to love in quite some time with a boy I’d met all of two days
  • Tugging between awe for a city that is mostly beautiful and embodies the charm that capital cities do, that allow you to get lost in them in the most romantic of ways, whilst feeling absolutely erratic because of its trappings for that very sometimes sterile reason
  • The continual career crisis
  • Dramatics of the dating soc. with a questioning of bisexualism curveball thrown in for good measure
  • The return of the perpetually ridiculous OCD which somehow allows an otherwise level headed soul to be convinced the lack of symmetry in her/my touch will no doubt lead to the wiping out of a family of 5

These are but a few of the trials of those uncertain twenties, more than a couple of which I am not alone in and share with friends who too are now finding themselves armed with a self help guide or three.

Amongst the hysteria driven tears and laughs coupled with the pining and thankfulness for living and feeling once more, I wish I had just one constant to rely on throughout.  With this I expect the excitement and angst of both these dreamy and darned twenties would be far easier to embrace than to so often feel defeated by.

Date número deux

“Hey you! YES YOU. Are you dithering on a date and looking for ways to entertain yourself? Bring up the notion of freezing your eggs, a foolproof way to a priceless face.”

Yes, yes it happened. No I would not take it back if I could.

From smiling from ear to ear to wishing you an eternal bout of herpes

*It’s a long un

Prologue:
Now that I’ve ticked off practically every stereotypical heartbreak fix that is known I’ve decided to re-watch 500 Days of Summer for the umpteenth time to try and make some sense of it all.  As one of the only films that is a little more true to the point when it comes to infatuations and falling in love, without falling into the Disney nor the Revolutionary Road-esque sides of the spectrum.  But the fact is no reason nor explanation is going to make me feel any better right now so I’ve no idea what I’m looking for.  It really is just a sad attempt to stop myself from going completely and utterly insane, as is this post, if just for a moment.

I was having this conversation with a male mate of mine a couple of weeks ago over dinner, about how he believes all women are crazy, and to some degree, I can’t help but agree, especially in the state I’m in now.

It’s important that I make it clear that I’m not depressed, I’d say it’s more of an emotional come down.

The beginning:
So I met this man-child, by chance, over a year ago on my travels.  One trip back to reality and a move to the Big Smoke for me and a break up with his then long term girlfriend, and a move back to his home in NZ for him, along with some bizarro online ‘something not quite a nothing’ relationship that we built for a year later, that I find myself back in that joyous blue state that can only be induced by boy.

As my last but one post suggests, I fell for him madly deeply, and not right away.  I thought him cute when I met him, but he had a girlfriend at the time, and there really was absolutely nothing remotely romantic about our conversations whilst they were together, he was just a laugh, intelligent, and for some reason unbeknown had taken an interest in me.  Anyway we both gained a sort of solace in it I guess, me having moved city, finding my feet and yet another attempt to re-discover myself.  And with him, the shock of moving home after travelling for over a year to find much had changed, or perhaps everything wasn’t as rosy as he’d come to remember.  Having lived the life of an adventurer for a year, to returning to the dreary reality of joblessness and moving back into his parents we both found some level of comfort in each other.  He was the very person I wanted to tell the ridiculous fact I’d learnt that day to and I was the girl that’d get first look at the song he’d just written.  It was awesome.

Another point to be clear on was that I didn’t push for what this became, he did, whole-heartedly, with his overly emotional say exactly what he thought self.  I however wasn’t up for being hurt, nor day dreaming about something that was crazy.  Okk day dream I did, but I didn’t talk about it.  He talked lots of moving here, planning, even looking for jobs.  And I knew it was too big a chance for someone to take on me, on a whim, based on what 2 meetings in real life?  I wasn’t trying to be cold, or heartless, he was planning a change of career and I wasn’t going to be the person to come in the way of that.

We carried on as we did, him with a plan of his career, visits, and then eventually a move if things worked out.  And me with a ‘what happens happens’ attitude, I didn’t want to dictate any choices he made, nor be to blame should it be a bad one for him, and what if we were to learn much of what we felt was down to it being the unknown?  Yes I was shitting myself at the prospect.  I said we should still date people, he should still date, but just not tell me about it.

I had a few drunken kisses, all wholly guilt ridden, and really not remotely fun.  My friends knew that I was utterly besotted, the most content I’d been in I can’t even recall how long, but they didn’t want me clutching to something that may well not materialise, so a few made it clear that I shouldn’t be switching off to any guys here and now.  I usually take little notice of what anyone says, but for my best friend to warn to be a little careful, I went with it.  I never actively looked to date anyone, nor get with them, the prospect made me ill to the stomach, and honestly no-one would ever compare, so it was pointless.

Anyway, he hated this, I never mentioned the kisses, only a date once, when he’d asked, and that was enough to rile up the anger and jealousy, which is fair, but without us really knowing whether we’d ever be together, it seemed the only logical thing to do.

So we continue to potter on, still pretty mad for each other, he finally gets a job!  It’s been months on end, the unemployment and all else has been getting him down and yay he’s finally on his way to where he wants to be.  He was interning, run off his feet, and way busier than I was, I do get it, I’ve been there, but I went from being absolutely everything to nothing, nada.  From the girl he’d marry (ha yes it was intense) to pretty much a nobody.  The conversations became ones that I could have with strangers on a train, and remember us Londoners aren’t even a particularly friendly bunch.

The first month, I thought he’s settling in, the second, well it’s super busy, the third, it was getting silly.  Barely a word with days in between, after we used to talk for hours on end, practically everyday, even with the ridiculous time difference.

I wasn’t angry, instead I was convinced I’d clearly cocked something up along the way and had fabricated this entire thing.

Ok so this is where I start to sound crazy.  Keep in mind that I’m the girl who feels claustrophobic if she has to meet up with a guy she’s dating more than once a week.  I don’t open up to others willingly.  I have a select group for every relationship, friends, co-workers, even family to some extent.  But for the first time in 10 years I gave in again, after much resistance, with the promise of not being hurt.

It got to the point where I had to say bye for now, he clearly had lost interest, but didn’t have the balls to say it, and I wasn’t going to be the loon waiting on the other end of it all.  I missed him like mad, finally cracked, and asked him how he was, and he finally confessed.

  • He was seeing, sorry dating a girl for a while.  They broke up, apparently his heart was elsewhere, ha.
  • Work has been manic, all he has time for is work and socialising, poor guy.
  • He finally realised that he did want to cement his career, and financially there was no way of him getting here.

And that’s all I needed, except instead of allowing me the courtesy of knowing, he was a cold twat and made me go positively insane.  We got talking again for a little bit, he apologised for going about it the way he did, claimed he really did care for me and that we did have something great but he didn’t know how to make it work.  That’s all he had to bloody say.  I was the first to tell him that this was mental, it wasn’t fair nor realistic that he should move, so it wasn’t this that was so upsetting.  It was the ability to be able to switch it off completely, practically instantaneously upon the realisation is what actually hurt.

The end:
A month on from this, he’s got a girlfriend, who is painfully beautiful.  Although seeing it makes me feel physically sick, it’s probably in some horrible way exactly what I need.  I’ve deleted every single message, unfollowed him from all that I can, and deleted any crap the crops up on my computer under his name.  Until that point I still found myself day dreaming, that someday it’ll work out and it’ll go back to the way it was, after all it was perfect all of a few months ago.

He’s the first person that has ever made me feel like it’s ok to be me and had me believe it, that’s something I won’t be giving up for a while.  Now just to rid myself of these darned blues… xxx

Lost and found

Hey,

Long time!  Yeah so I told a slight fib when I promised to divulge all about my travels, it’s now been just over 6 months and I’ve found the draft with the opening paragraph saved.  The fact is my WordPress kept crashing each time I uploaded a pic and well I gave up, I wasn’t posting it unless it was perfect.  So this is issue no. 1.  Let’s begin 🙂

  • Perfectionist gone crazy:  I’ve always been quite particular in all that I do, actually all that I care about, but recently I’ve become so frustrated with everything around me all that I can control, will be.  I can genuinely feel myself losing it.
  • I’m stuck in another job where I couldn’t feel any more disposable:  ‘Marketing’ is in my title, and it’s in the Affiliate industry, another ‘on the up’ field in the Digi marketing sphere (as was PPC) so I guess hurrah for the CV?  It’s not going to look so good when I make my sharp exit – it’s just re-emphasised how much I hate the Corpies.  I’m not the girl to laugh at jokes that aren’t funny, network with the influentials nor pander to who I swear should be classed as clinically insane (I’m quite aware this is becoming increasingly cynical, I can’t promise there’ll be a happy ending, you should maybe close your browser now.)  The company cares nothing for the little guys, nor many of their clients actually, and I’m sure I’m being naive, and this is how businesses run and survive but the whole things makes me feel ill.  So yes, I must leave, right away.
  • This brings me to my next point, I make my return back to the job jungle.  I am good at what I’ve done and I have the potential to do well in my next role (keep your fingers crossed for Communications positions in the Arts 😉 )- My boss quite frankly stated that I’m my own worst enemy the other day, which is the absolute truth.  I’m 25, I have got to have faith in myself one day or else no-one will believe it. n.b my boss is an absolute witch in all other respects.  I hate that she made this observation.
  • 3 days off to sort my life out.  Day one: CV reshuffle, upload to all recruiter sites.  Day two:  Spent most of the morning on phone to recruiters, actually not all aimless roles either, met recruiter in afternoon who may have proposed close to dream job, well next step to dream job anyhow.  Don’t want to curse it so I won’t say much more :).  Day two, evening: The onset of serious bout of self doubt and fear hits, cue my WordPress saviour.
  • As I’m confessing all in this post I should tell you what has been playing on my mind most of all.  I’ve fallen madly, deeply for a pen pal of mine, which sounds absolutely crazy I’m sure but I thought him perfect when I first met him (on the travels I never got around to telling you about).  Ok so the strand in Practical Magic, where Sandra Bullock creates her perfect man, and he has the different coloured eyes, one blue, one green? He literally ticks every single one of the characteristics I’ve always said I’d want (believe me the list is extensive).  I feel like a hormonal teen all over again.  He sees right through me and knows me better than I know myself in some respects and quite frankly I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid.

Anyway, I’d say that’s quite enough for today, I’m going to go read before Bedfordshire comes a calling.

Thanks for listening

x

No regrets

Friends since school, memories of belly aching laughs, tears and falling into many a drunken stupor!

Sounds perfect in hindsight, but you go to Uni, meet new people, try new things and I don’t care if it’s clichéd, those who are willing to find themselves bloody do. Anyway so I did, somewhat, and in doing so I learnt more and more of how little I knew those I surrounded myself with.

I’ve graduated, I’m the proud owner of a piece of paper, which in turn counts for little in the world of Marketing. If any one ever tells you English is ‘the ultimate passport’, ignore them, continue doing what makes you happy and for the love of god get some work experience to substantiate it! Degrees are truly unnecessary, for Marketing anyway. Anywho, I digress.

I’m back in my hometown, more alien than ever, away from my beautiful friends that I’d grown to adore (except my dearest Allissha who soon abandons me to pursue China) and the inevitable cutting out of pre-uni friends begins.

Now I’m not one with friends a plenty, I’ve always been awkward, brush away acquaintances, and will only bother with those worth bothering about, as a result I can count all of my friends on one hand.

Sunny* changed too. Either that or her less appealing characteristics just became more apparent and less tolerable. Don’t get me wrong she was fab, a complete spag head, a great listener (for most part) and the perfect boyfriend alternative.  She was always the top of her game, destined to be successful in whatever she does, popular, charismatic…I could go on all day, let’s just say she meant a hell of a lot to me.

But suddenly it clicked, her egocentric side, the constant bragging of charity involvement, of achievements when it was a time to listen and support, the talk of morals were no longer admirable but to me empty and infuriating, all in all I’d reached melting point and I could no longer bear speak to her without wanting to scream!! The time I sobbed on the phone while she carried on talking of potential jobs, her future, amazing family, fabulous boyfriend…ENOUGH.

Reading back it’s all me, me, me and maybe I was jealous? She was a MASSIVE part of my life and I miss her a tonne. Recently moreso than ever, I’ve been questioning whether it was the right thing to do. I know there was no in between, it had to be bessies or nothing at all. We still text every so often to check the other’s ok, the last time we met it was just plain awks.

I’ve decided life’s too short, it may never be the same again, nor does it need to, but I’ve asked her for a catch up (over gin) to check I did make the right choice and that I’ve not chucked something amazing over a rash judgement.

It’s a year and a half on since I saw her last. I’m bricking it.

*Sunny’s real name cannot be divulged in the event of the unlikely case she may become internet savvy and choose to read my inner most thoughts.

Hello..I’d suppose it’s me you’re looking for???

University’s over.
I’ve gained 12 pounds.
Most of my bessies are now scattered over the UK or majorly depressed
EVERYBODY’S engaged and Miss Bridget Jones over here is realising she isn’t quite the independent lady she’s claimed all these years!

On the plus side, I’ve landed myself a contract working in Marketing at a local Theatre. In fact I met Caroline O’ Connor just this week (self-confessed Moulin Rouge obsessive). The downside, this theatre is ‘local’ to my hometown, aka the hole I call home.

I’d do good in remembering the chances are, never again will I work in a role where I can sneak into a show whenever I’ve a free second to myself, and those minutes in the day where I’m able to let go and become completely immersed in a beautiful piece of dance or a jazz handed musical make the sometimes incredibly errm let’s say challenging side of the role completely and utterly worth it.


^^ On repeat on the pod this week